growth is worth the cringe

3 minute read

I could retire if I had $1 every time I said, “I was watching this Tik Tok and…”. And I’m about to say it again! I was watching this Tik Tok and it said: don’t be afraid to be seen trying.

First, I wanted to throw up from feeling so seen, but as I continued to sit with those feelings, I realized this video had put to words something I had been feeling, well, my whole life.

It makes me cringe so hard thinking that other people can see me ‘trying’. I want to immediately be good at something, naturally graceful and grounded in whatever that thing is. I’m also scared of what people will think if they see me trying, especially people I know in real life.

“Is she that desperate?”

“Who does she think she is? Thinking she can (insert action here)”.

“She got that wrong”.

And finally, the worst of them all:

“Cringy”.

I could name a million ways that this mindset has held me back and limited what I do. I don’t wear certain things, I don’t use certain machines at the gym even though using them would help me in my fitness goals. I just couldn’t stand the idea of someone seeing me struggle with the machine, or what I look like exerting myself on those machines compared to other people using that machine. (Comparison is a whole other element to this idea but deserves its own post later.)

I would never post things on social media that had anything to do with my own thoughts or ideas. Posts were exclusively pictures of my family, friends, and memes.  Thinking about someone seeing a video of me, talking about something I care about, gives me the biggest ick of my life. (Don’t worry, I also see my own therapist where we discuss these very challenges).

Now, here comes some progression in the plot. I recently left a job at a group practice that I had been at since I finished grad school. I am now in private practice, all by myself. This has given me a lot of time to sit and realize that I have no idea who I am when I am all by myself.

I started an Instagram for my business because, well, isn’t that what you do? I didn’t post on it for over a month of having started the business because 1) my brain went blank when I thought about what was “good enough” to post and 2) I didn’t want to be seen trying and posting is a form of trying. I didn’t want to put my thoughts out there because it’s so final, so concrete. I can’t ever add any more context to help people understand me better (which isn’t true but stay with me). They get to judge me based on that one post.

I recently re-watched “Back to the Future” and Marty says a line about sending his demo tape to a record company. “I mean, what if they say I'm no good? What if they say, ‘Get out of here, kid! You've got no future!’ I mean, I just don't think I can take that kind of rejection.” My thoughts exactly.

Here’s the flip side: do I ever think these same thoughts when I see my friends posting something about their personal thoughts and insights? No way. One of two things happen:

1) I double-tap and continue swiping without a second thought,

or

2) I smile and think how cool it is that they are out here, doing their thing. So why do I afford others something that I have such a hard time doing for myself?

So, the whole purpose of this post is to document that I, Ellie Castellano, am trying…slowly.

I had to build myself up, almost like an exposure exercise. I posted a picture of myself with an introduction, I posted for Pride month, and then, on July 3rd, a posted a skit of myself which I truly never thought I could do. But it was me trying to be funny which I could handle (kind of). These posts are also vulnerable because I’m allowing myself to be creative and putting any creative product out into the world is scary because not everyone will like your aesthetic choices.

Eventually, I built up the courage to hit record and talk about a serious topic and my thoughts on it (only took me about 30 takes to get one that felt okay enough). I sought so much reassurance from my husband but I finally hit “post” and I threw my phone across the room (symbolically).

Recently, I ventured into a dream I have had for many years: talking about astrology. A big part of my hesitation in this is that I don’t think I know enough about anything to post my thoughts on something or to feel like I can educate anyone on anything. And, what if what I say is wrong and I get torn apart? The internet is a cold, cold place sometimes.

I can report that people are starting to watch my videos and some people are even following me (even though most of them are my friends. I don’t know how they found me, but they found me).

And yesterday, in honor of Leo season, I started a new Tik Tok account where I have now posted two videos of myself. *Feeling the cringe and doing it anyway*

I wanted to share this very vulnerable experience with you because I know I am not the only one out there that feels like this. It is imperative to try, and therefore (unavoidably) be seen trying, because here are the facts: the only way to expand and grow is to venture out into the unknown which will take multiple and various attempts (aka TRYING- sorry for yelling).

I want to empower you to embrace the cringe and do it anyway. In 5 years, heck, in 5 minutes, people will have forgotten about whatever it is, but the opportunities for you on the other side of doing the scary, cringy things are endless. Don’t limit yourself just because you’re scared to be seen trying because you will eventually get better, and it won’t be trying anymore, you will just be doing.

-Ellie